Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Love & Marriage: Getting through the struggles

Remember last week I wrote this post about meeting Hubby and getting married? I linked it up with a group of bloggers who are writing a series of posts on love and marriage. I really enjoyed writing the first post and was anxious to find out what the topic would be for this week. When Mandy told me the topic would be marriage struggles I considered not writing a post. It is hard for me to admit that my relationship is not picture perfect. I have also discussed a lot of our struggles. But I have dedicated this blog to being honest and helping others. I have to tell you how hard it is to write this post. I want to thank the other bloggers that linked up and shared for their honesty. I had to go back and read some of them to keep me going writing this post.

I don't think I've talked about it on this blog but it took us 6 cycles to conceive Chase. When pondering our marriage struggles I thought about discussing those 6 months as newlyweds and some of my regret for trying to conceive so early in our marriage.

I also thought about the first few months after Chase was born. I always tell people you can have tons of experience with children but nothing can prepare you for your own child. The first day we spent in the hospital learning how to nurse Chase was tough and just the months of learning how to balance it all with little sleep was tough.

I'm sure you all know what's coming next and I can hear the groan of the dead horse I'm beating, but losing our second pregnancy was the hardest thing we have had to go through in our marriage.

My husband and I can argue and bicker. I remember some of our worst arguments were before we got engaged and were just living together. I threatened a few times to leave but never did. I am not a believer in the "never go to bed angry" advice people commonly give out. I always tell people sometimes the next day you are sober and over it. But the reality is too that sometimes you get in an argument in the evening on a weeknight and people have jobs and need sleep.

We always sleep in our bed together. There was maybe a week or two that Chase was having trouble sleeping in his crib and I ended up sleeping with him in the guest room but that is not something we want for our marriage so we came up with a solution to that problem.

When I think about the worst argument we have had in our 3.5 years of marriage I think about the night I was so upset I physically couldn't lay in bed next to my husband.

I should rewind a little and tell you after Chase's first birthday party in May 2012, I did not want to have a party for Chase's second birthday. I put a ton of pressure on myself to make his first birthday perfect. You can read more about it here. If you read that post I mention that I thought my husband and dad could set the party up while I stayed home with napping Chase. Yeah, duh. When we arrived to the party the picture perfect party I had slaved for months planning was not set up and guests had arrived. I yelled at my husband and father in front of our guests and my son's first birthday party. I didn't want a repeat of that. I just spoke with another friend who feels the same way after stressing about the first birthday.

My husband that did help out with the party the day of doesn't understand why I didn't want to have a second birthday party for Chase. This came up I think February of this year pretty recently after the miscarriage. I think also around the time I heard the toughest pregnancy announcement for me.

I think Hubby thought I didn't want to throw a party for Chase because I was depressed or sad about the miscarriage. He felt like I wasn't doing my job as Chase's mom.

He was mad and frustrated and I was hurt. I remember not wanting to sleep in the same bed as him that night. But our bed is really comfortable and I thought maybe we would talk and work things out. I remember it being late and I got so upset I went into our guest room to just bawl my eyes out. Lord knows why Chase woke up a few minutes later. After going in to get him back to sleep I went back to bed with my husband.

We didn't talk about things until the next night. I never want my husband or my son to think I'm not doing my job. So I told him I would be happy to have a small party for Chase. What I needed from him was to acknowledge the loss we suffered. I had to bawl my eyes out to him and let him know that I struggled with getting out of bed in the morning. The bawling and admitting this to him was one of the last pieces to my healing. It wasn't hard to get out of bed the next morning.

I think we've been through some struggles in our short 3.5 years of marriage. I always joke that we are still together because I have a terrible memory and sometimes forget why I am mad at him. I don't remember how much of 1 Corinthians 13 was read at our wedding. When I read it again yesterday this part stood out to me, "5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." I think to get through marriage struggles you have to be quick to forgive. A big one I saw with the other blogs posted today is communicate. We can't forgive or understand if we don't communicate. Reassure each other that you still love each other.


  1. I definitely agree that in a marriage you have to be quick to forgive. You can't carry anger or resentment, it will break your marriage down and destroy it.

  2. Great post! It's hard to put this stuff out there, but I appreciate that you did! No one has a perfect marriage! But I think being willing to work at it is half the battle!

  3. Marriage can be so freakin hard sometimes. I had a big ol' fight with Michael yesterday but eventually we got over it and moved on with our day. It takes work!

  4. B and I have had our share of struggles and even had a moment that we thought it was over but I'm glad we were able to work through it. I agree that you have to be able to forgive and compromise. No one can have their way everytime.