Tuesday, February 26, 2013

What to say and what not to say to someone that miscarried

   I've wanted to write this post since I miscarried but haven't gotten around to it. Unfortunately someone we are all close to in the blogging community is going through this right now so I thought I should get this post up and help you all with what to say and what not to say. I'm sure the experience is different for everyone but this is what helped and hurt me.
   I know my other friend that has been through two said it annoyed her when people said "it's for the better" or "it happened for a reason". If you haven't miscarried saying "I can't even imagine" just stings for those of us going through it. For my situtation with having a blighted ovum people saying things like "I've never heard of that" or "so you weren't really pregnant" were tough. The other one was a comment on my post here telling me "you did lose a child". Oh, and really bad was, "are they sure?".
   The thing that helped me the most was a text from my sister in law's sister acutally. She said, "Oh sweet friend...my heart breaks for you. My prayer for you 'lord you know the desires of Meagan's heart and you know her pain this instant-shower her with peace and wisdom as she tries to understand why this happened. We are grateful that your plans are better than ours-so we trust you have protected us all from an even greater pain. I ask that you would allow Meagan's womb to be ripe and ready for the next baby created there-and that in healthy the baby grows to full term! Allow them to mourn in such a way that even Chase sees his parents model love, peace, perspective, hope, and an UNdefeated spirit that he might use those same life skills as trials come his way when he's older..." I know people don't know what to say in these situtations so they think maybe not saying anything is better. I had to call my parents sobbing and tell them I was sad they hadn't checked on me. I told them it is similar to the feeling of being really sick and wanting your parents to take care of you but obviously taken up a notch because you are suffering from a loss too.
   Again, it might be different for some people but I liked when people checked on me. My sil and I talked every day on the phone that week I think. I swear my two besties had signed up for alternating days to check on me. I let people know that distractions helped. I have continued to say how grateful I am that I have Chase and he is the reason I get out of bed in the morning. So if this is a person that doesn't have another child be the reason they get out of bed in the morning. Make plans with them.
  Lastly, when you see the person don't do the pity face and hug. Act normal please. I was afraid to see a lot of people that knew because I was afraid of the pity face and hug. Once I saw they were going to act normal I could relax. It is ok to ask them how they are doing once you think they have relaxed.
   Disclaimer- If you were the person that left that comment or said any of the things mentioned above please don't take it personally that I mentioned it or be offended. I know you were all just trying to help and that your words came from a loving place. This post was meant to help and not hurt.


  1. That was a beautiful prayer that she said over you. Very touching.

  2. I agree about acting normal...there is nothing worse than someone tiptoeing around you.

  3. I hope I never offended someone because of not knowing what to say. I just try to tell people that I am thinking of them and praying for them.

  4. Thanks for this post. It will help me to be more aware of what I say. What a sweet, sweet prayer!! Praying for you, friend! Love all of the pictures you put up of Chase on FB. What a sweet little blessing!

  5. I am just now seeing this and I want to tell you how sorry I am to have caused you further pain. When I was going through my miscarriage it hurt me deeply when people didn't acknowledge that I lost a real baby. When one of my friends comforted me by "getting" that I felt like I lost a child, it brought great comfort to me. My miscarriage taught me a lot about grief, and it continues to do so. We don't all grieve in the same way and I was wrong to assume you would be comforted by words that comforted me. I continue to send t&p your way. I understand that punch in the gut feeling when you hear someone else is pregnant. I applaud you for talking about it.