I wanted to clear up something after my last post, I need flylady because I have a form of perfectionism that paralyzes me from doing anything and also severe laziness. I want my house to look perfect when people come over but a lot of the time it is a disaster. I also have a temper. In my journey to become a calmer and happier mom I found flylady, started waking up before my kids and I found parenting by connection.
I have been reading and posting parenting by connection, positive parenting or hand in hand parenting articles for about a year now. We don't give our children time outs. We believe our children are good and want to behave. We try not to yell at our kids. When we see them acting up or not listening we know it is time for special time.
Special time is 5 minutes where the child gets your undivided attention to do whatever they want to do. A lot of times for us its a chasing game, board game, or dodge ball. The idea behind parenting by connection is if your child is well rested, fed, and feeling connected to you they will have good behavior. (Sometimes the tv is the babysitter while I have 5 minutes of special time with a child).
We allow our kids to have tantrums. We know that everyone sometimes needs to have a tantrum. When I first started learning about parenting by connection, there were articles about children with 45 minutes tantrums. It is called stay listening when you stay with your child and listen while they tantrum. I remember watching the clock thinking ok this could go for 45 minutes. So far we haven't had one that long. They do get shorter as they work through all their issues.
We do still set limits and have high expectations. We still tell our children they are not allowed to hurt anyone else. Our kids are 4 and 1.5 so learning to control that fight or flight urge is tough. I've recently seen Chase's little fist ball up and see him control his urge to hit.
Sometimes when you set a limit, for example about tv watching, a tantrum will follow. I swear every single time we turned the tv off when Chase was three he would have a tantrum. It isn't always an issue about the tv. Sometimes they are dealing with something that happened at school and they are now deciding to get that emotion out.
Chase recently said something rude to me. I told him it hurt my feelings when he said that. I asked him if he meant to hurt my feelings. He said no. We talked about a nicer way he could have talked to me. Then he told me something someone at school had said to him that hurt his feelings.
We know this is a different parenting method and some will read this and think our children are going to grow up to be adults that have tantrums and hit and bite other people, but this is what we feel is the right choice for our family and we will deal with whatever the future holds. We think our children will learn how to control their anger and find appropriate times and places to release it. We think our children will always feel close to us and their brothers.