Other Christmas memories

   I haven't talked on this blog about how we told our families we were pregnant last year around this time. This would be with the blighted ovum or miscarriage. I have a private blog where I discussed our journey to conceive Chase and announced the pregnancy that we miscarried. It is hard to look back at those posts.
   We told my parents on Christmas Eve and Hubby's parents, brother and sister-in-law, grandpa and aunt on Christmas. I remember taking pictures of our mantle with three stockings thinking this will be the last year we only have three stockings. It did end up being the last year we had three stockings on the mantle because Hubby wanted to put the twinsies stockings up this year.
   I didn't know Hubby had written to: Preggo on some of my Christmas presents. My sister-in-law was pregnant and thought the gifts were for her and then the from said Hubby and Chase and she figured out I was pregnant. I think I'll tell Hubby even though I am pregnant again this year that I would prefer he not do that this year.
   One of my favorite Christmas songs is Extraordinary Christmas by the Glee Cast. I remember last year posting as my facebook status something about it being a very, very, merry Christmas. Lyrics from the song. I guess a lot of people thought this was a little hint that I was pregnant. I'm not very good at keeping secrets! I thought it might be tough this year to hear that song but I still love it.
   I'm  not sure if it will be hard to sit in the same room around a Christmas tree like we did last year or not. I've been surprised here and there by what has bothered me. The episode of Grey's anatomy that recently talked about miscarriage was a little tough. I'm happy to say in less than a year I've gone from thinking about it every day to forgetting it happened most days.
   I'm looking forward to creating new Christmas memories this year and I'm sure next year I'll be so busy I won't have time to think about it!

Love & Marriage: Getting through the struggles

Remember last week I wrote this post about meeting Hubby and getting married? I linked it up with a group of bloggers who are writing a series of posts on love and marriage. I really enjoyed writing the first post and was anxious to find out what the topic would be for this week. When Mandy told me the topic would be marriage struggles I considered not writing a post. It is hard for me to admit that my relationship is not picture perfect. I have also discussed a lot of our struggles. But I have dedicated this blog to being honest and helping others. I have to tell you how hard it is to write this post. I want to thank the other bloggers that linked up and shared for their honesty. I had to go back and read some of them to keep me going writing this post.

I don't think I've talked about it on this blog but it took us 6 cycles to conceive Chase. When pondering our marriage struggles I thought about discussing those 6 months as newlyweds and some of my regret for trying to conceive so early in our marriage.

I also thought about the first few months after Chase was born. I always tell people you can have tons of experience with children but nothing can prepare you for your own child. The first day we spent in the hospital learning how to nurse Chase was tough and just the months of learning how to balance it all with little sleep was tough.

I'm sure you all know what's coming next and I can hear the groan of the dead horse I'm beating, but losing our second pregnancy was the hardest thing we have had to go through in our marriage.

My husband and I can argue and bicker. I remember some of our worst arguments were before we got engaged and were just living together. I threatened a few times to leave but never did. I am not a believer in the "never go to bed angry" advice people commonly give out. I always tell people sometimes the next day you are sober and over it. But the reality is too that sometimes you get in an argument in the evening on a weeknight and people have jobs and need sleep.

We always sleep in our bed together. There was maybe a week or two that Chase was having trouble sleeping in his crib and I ended up sleeping with him in the guest room but that is not something we want for our marriage so we came up with a solution to that problem.

When I think about the worst argument we have had in our 3.5 years of marriage I think about the night I was so upset I physically couldn't lay in bed next to my husband.

I should rewind a little and tell you after Chase's first birthday party in May 2012, I did not want to have a party for Chase's second birthday. I put a ton of pressure on myself to make his first birthday perfect. You can read more about it here. If you read that post I mention that I thought my husband and dad could set the party up while I stayed home with napping Chase. Yeah, duh. When we arrived to the party the picture perfect party I had slaved for months planning was not set up and guests had arrived. I yelled at my husband and father in front of our guests and my son's first birthday party. I didn't want a repeat of that. I just spoke with another friend who feels the same way after stressing about the first birthday.

My husband that did help out with the party the day of doesn't understand why I didn't want to have a second birthday party for Chase. This came up I think February of this year pretty recently after the miscarriage. I think also around the time I heard the toughest pregnancy announcement for me.

I think Hubby thought I didn't want to throw a party for Chase because I was depressed or sad about the miscarriage. He felt like I wasn't doing my job as Chase's mom.

He was mad and frustrated and I was hurt. I remember not wanting to sleep in the same bed as him that night. But our bed is really comfortable and I thought maybe we would talk and work things out. I remember it being late and I got so upset I went into our guest room to just bawl my eyes out. Lord knows why Chase woke up a few minutes later. After going in to get him back to sleep I went back to bed with my husband.

We didn't talk about things until the next night. I never want my husband or my son to think I'm not doing my job. So I told him I would be happy to have a small party for Chase. What I needed from him was to acknowledge the loss we suffered. I had to bawl my eyes out to him and let him know that I struggled with getting out of bed in the morning. The bawling and admitting this to him was one of the last pieces to my healing. It wasn't hard to get out of bed the next morning.

I think we've been through some struggles in our short 3.5 years of marriage. I always joke that we are still together because I have a terrible memory and sometimes forget why I am mad at him. I don't remember how much of 1 Corinthians 13 was read at our wedding. When I read it again yesterday this part stood out to me, "⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." I think to get through marriage struggles you have to be quick to forgive. A big one I saw with the other blogs posted today is communicate. We can't forgive or understand if we don't communicate. Reassure each other that you still love each other.

Miscarriage

I know I said I wasn't planning on talking about it again. But, I think it is important to to let you all know how I'm doing since even I didn't think I would still be needing to talk about it.

I thought about asking on twitter if people realize how long it takes to recover from a miscarriage. I had no idea so I'll just assume others don't either. Let me see if I can give you a quick timeline. We'll just start with I got my period back after weaning Chase and was pregnant the next month after that.

• Dec. 20th was the positive pregnancy test
• Two weeks later we go in for an ultrasound and are told I could just be earlier in my pregnancy than I thought. Yes my heart sank and I knew something was wrong but I prayed and continued to hope that I had a healthy baby growing inside me. I didn't have a lot of pregnancy symptoms but my sense of smell was heightened and I thought I was getting a belly. 
• 10 days later Jan. 14th we go in for another ultrasound and are told there is no baby. 
• It took my body 2 months to have a normal period again. 
• I take my basal body temp every morning and I think my body is having trouble ovulating. 

I just wanted people to know it isn't just oh you have a miscarriage and then the next month you have a normal period and your body is all back to normal. I'm still physically dealing with it.

I'm also still dealing with it emotionally. I just wrote a post about how we went to church this weekend. I loved when Luis Palau was talking about how Jesus is your resident psychotherapist. He said he talks to a lot of psychologists and psychotherapists and the majority of their patients come to them to deal with unresolved guilt which Jesus can forgive you for. 

I'm just still struggling with understanding why this happened to us. I love God's plan for us but this part really sucks! So, I googled. Of course I want to share the great stuff I found with the rest of you struggling with God's plan. This was the first website I found. Love this, "The Bible does not comment specifically about spontaneous miscarriages. We can be sure, though, that God has compassion on those who have suffered through them. He cries and suffers with us, simply because He loves us and feels our pain. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, promised to send His Spirit to all believers so that we will never have to go through trials alone (John 14:16)." And this, "Romans 11:36 reminds us that everything exists by God's power and is intended for His glory. Although He does not inflict suffering on us for punishment, He will allow things to come into our lives that we can use to bring glory to Him. Jesus said, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world” (John 16:33)."

So, I guess this is one of those trials and sorrows I have to go through and bring glory to God! I hope I've done that and continue to do that. 

God's baby line

Ok, I promise I don't plan to talk about miscarriage again. I just found out another friend is pregnant and while I was processing the sting something occured to me and I wanted to share it.

Someone tweeted me recently and said someone else getting pregnant is not taking anything away from me. I kind of agree with this but last night I thought of a better explanation for why it stings.

Let me for a minute discuss my situation. I stopped taking birth control at the end of March 2012. Yes, I was still nursing Chase but lots of women get pregnant when nursing. I remember telling my sil that I didn't want to drink because I wasn't taking birth control anymore. I think it is pretty common for women to hope and pray that as soon as they make the decision to get pregnant that it will happen quickly.

So what I thought about last night is it is kind of like getting in an imaginary line. When you make that decision to start trying it is like getting in God's baby line. I know that there are women who have been in line longer than I have and I have Chase but it still stings when someone that hasn't been waiting in line very long gets pregnant. I also understand that even getting pregnant at all is something some women might be jealous of.

But all of this doesn't change the fact that I feel like I've been in this line for almost a year with nothing to show for it. Yes it is a little like a kindergartner being pissed about someone cutting in line but that is kind of how it feels. Does that make sense?

What to say and what not to say to someone that miscarried

   I've wanted to write this post since I miscarried but haven't gotten around to it. Unfortunately someone we are all close to in the blogging community is going through this right now so I thought I should get this post up and help you all with what to say and what not to say. I'm sure the experience is different for everyone but this is what helped and hurt me.
   I know my other friend that has been through two said it annoyed her when people said "it's for the better" or "it happened for a reason". If you haven't miscarried saying "I can't even imagine" just stings for those of us going through it. For my situtation with having a blighted ovum people saying things like "I've never heard of that" or "so you weren't really pregnant" were tough. The other one was a comment on my post here telling me "you did lose a child". Oh, and really bad was, "are they sure?".
   The thing that helped me the most was a text from my sister in law's sister acutally. She said, "Oh sweet friend...my heart breaks for you. My prayer for you 'lord you know the desires of Meagan's heart and you know her pain this instant-shower her with peace and wisdom as she tries to understand why this happened. We are grateful that your plans are better than ours-so we trust you have protected us all from an even greater pain. I ask that you would allow Meagan's womb to be ripe and ready for the next baby created there-and that in healthy the baby grows to full term! Allow them to mourn in such a way that even Chase sees his parents model love, peace, perspective, hope, and an UNdefeated spirit that he might use those same life skills as trials come his way when he's older..." I know people don't know what to say in these situtations so they think maybe not saying anything is better. I had to call my parents sobbing and tell them I was sad they hadn't checked on me. I told them it is similar to the feeling of being really sick and wanting your parents to take care of you but obviously taken up a notch because you are suffering from a loss too.
   Again, it might be different for some people but I liked when people checked on me. My sil and I talked every day on the phone that week I think. I swear my two besties had signed up for alternating days to check on me. I let people know that distractions helped. I have continued to say how grateful I am that I have Chase and he is the reason I get out of bed in the morning. So if this is a person that doesn't have another child be the reason they get out of bed in the morning. Make plans with them.
  Lastly, when you see the person don't do the pity face and hug. Act normal please. I was afraid to see a lot of people that knew because I was afraid of the pity face and hug. Once I saw they were going to act normal I could relax. It is ok to ask them how they are doing once you think they have relaxed.
   Disclaimer- If you were the person that left that comment or said any of the things mentioned above please don't take it personally that I mentioned it or be offended. I know you were all just trying to help and that your words came from a loving place. This post was meant to help and not hurt.

It's been about a month

   It has been about a month since my miscarriage. I'm still dealing with it. I know physically I won't have to deal with it forever. I have faith that some day it won't be something I think about as often.
   Mostly I wanted to write this blog to tell anyone that is dealing with or may have to deal with a miscarriage about a website that I have used a ton during this last month. http://pregnancyloss.info/ The page I have used the most is this one.
   I have a heck of a time finding that page when I need it and it has been so helpful so I thought I would share.
   I'm doing good. I keep reminding myself that God's plan is better than any plan I could come up with. Life is pretty much back to normal.
   Please don't hesitate for a second to email, tweet, facebook, me if you have any questions about miscarriage. I'm here for you all and will always be totally honest and no question is too weird or personal.
  

What happened

On December 20th I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I told Chase something like I think you might be a big brother. After his nap we went to Carter's and got him a big brother shirt. When Hubby came home I video taped his reaction to Chase's new shirt.

Jan. 4th we had an ultrasound. The nurse said everything looked good but I was just early pregnant. All they could see was a sac. Jan. 14th we had another ultrasound. The ultrasound tec asked me if I had been taking clomid or got pregnant naturally. She took some measurements of round things. I think she labeled something gs and something else right ov. She told me to put my pants on and sit in the chairs outside. My husband asked me what was going on. I told him there's nothing.

We sat in the chairs. My husband's arm around me. We were told the ma would come get us and take us to see the dr. I didn't have an appointment with the dr. The ma had me step on the scale. She took me into a room and I started crying. She handed me a tissue and said I'm sorry. She wanted to get my blood pressure. I rolled my sleeve up as I continued to cry. She said she could get it later and left. My husband and I waited in that room for what felt like forever. I just stared at a black and white picture of a flower. Then I told him it is probably going to be awhile. My dr is busy and we were getting squeezed in. I wanted to call my mom. I told him I would probably have to have a procedure.

The dr finally came in. She gave me a hug. I told her no one is telling us anything. I said the ultrasound tec just told me to put my pants on. She said the ultrasound tec assumed we knew. She said it looks like a miscarriage. I've regressed since my last ultrasound. It looks like a blighted ovum. She gave me choices on what to do. She told me how long we have to wait before we try again. She said my chances of this happening again are slim. Then she asked if we wanted to go out the back door.

I went with my husband and child to pick up the medication from the pharmacy that would end my pregnancy. That was an awkward encounter.

I had to tell the probably 30 or so people I had told that there was no baby. I had to answer questions like so you weren't pregnant? Will you try again? People said to me I've never heard of that. I can't imagine.

Everyday my son still points to my belly and says baby. I tell him he's my baby. We don't encourage him to give the baby hugs and kisses anymore.

I had to have my blood taken by a lab person that wanted to chat it up. I'm having my blood tested after a miscarriage. I don't want to talk about my birthday plans.

I've researched how to prevent blighted ovums. There's not much you can do. We want to take better care of ourselves. I would like to get rid of the belly that started forming. Just as soon as the pain stops. The article I read said it is the body's way of making sure the best sperm and egg make a baby. I told my husband that my body did pretty good making Chase so I'm ok with it deciding not to develop a pregnancy if the baby wasn't going to be as amazing as Chase.

We never had a due date. A baby never developed. We didn't lose a baby. We wanted our children close in age. I wanted belly pictures with my sil. I wanted the cousins close in age. I'm not sure who we will tell next time I get a positive pregnancy test. I don't think we will be telling Chase about the baby in Mama's belly and telling him to give it hugs and kisses. Thank you to all of you that knew for your kind words and prayers.